SquirrelFest 2010 Announced June 23, 2010

A prominent local rodent tribe, the Squirrels, announced today that SquirrelFest, the annual family gathering of the primarily Midwest-based mammals of the order Rodentia, will be held at the Park View, IA residence of Saddam Squirrel, on August 14th-15th.

SquirrelFest 2010, as the event has been christened, is expected to attract a variety of members of the extended Squirrel family, with some traveling from as far away as Minnesota, California, and Spain. The travel details of these small, mainly quadripedal gnawing and nibbling animal visitors was not immediately made clear.

Saddam Squirrel, host of this year's annual event, was reportedly "fired up" and "jazzed" regarding the prospect of a large number of his family descending upon the eastern Iowa town of Park View for the festivities. Mr. Squirrel, a resident of the pin oak tree in the front yard of Dave and Mun Matern, has been seen busily scurrying about in an excited manner, and digging extra holes in Mr and Mrs Matern's potted plants in apparent preparation for the event. Mr. Squirrel was not immediately available for comment, but Dave Matern was able to confirm the presence of the extra holes. "Yeah, I've got a few potted plants set out and it does look like somebody dug holes in them. I assume it was the squirrel, but I haven't spoken to him about it. There is a bit of a language barrier there." said Mr. Matern.

Ralph Rabbit, friend of the Squirrel family, however, did relate some concerns he had around the event, citing latent "tensions" between the Matern and Squirrel families, and wondered if the front yard of a Matern residence was the best place for a Squirrel family reunion. "Jeez, couldn't they have picked a less antagonistic location for their get-together?" said Mr. Rabbit. "These two families have a history going way back. There hasn't been any violence lately, but I'm just sayin', you know?"

A notorious 2003 Matern v. Squirrel family brouhaha culiminated in the shooting slaying of one Sammy Squirrel, of Eagle Grove, Iowa. Mr. Hugh Matern was implicated, but evidence was not forthcoming, and formal charges were dropped. Since then an only sometimes quiet truce has existed between the two families, but some say trouble is always simmering just below the surface. "I just don't like that guy." commented Ramona Robin, another long time resident of the Matern yard, in reference to Dave Matern. "He only occasionally fills his bird feeders, and seems to get unneccesarily upset when me and the other birds crap on his grill. What are we supposed to do? Dig a hole in the ground?"

When pressed for a response, an obviously annoyed Mr. Matern responded that he had always tried to maintain a "live and let live" approach to human/animal relations, but added, more ominously "...maybe it's time these ingrates learned a lesson about who really owns this yard..."

We can only hope that summer tempers remain stable as summer temperatures climb.

Cease Fire Eases Squirrel – Human Tensions June 20, 2005

An informal cease fire brought an end today to hostilities that had briefly flared up between squirrel and human residents of a Park View, IA home some weeks ago. Officials are hopeful this can lead to a formal truce signed by both parties at some future date.

"Cease Fire? If you mean Matern has stopped chasing me around with a mop, then I guess you can call that a cease fire. When he stopped putting food in the bird feeder, I had to stay with my Mom and Dad in the Scott County park for awhile. So yeah, I guess we had a “cease fire”. Whatever," a disgusted Saddam Squirrel responded "That pin oak in the front yard is my home, though, and I've got to start burying food in the yard for next winter. If he gets in my way, you can kiss the “cease-fire” goodbye. And I’m not signing any formal "truce" papers, either," added Saddam Squirrel.

"It’s true, I couldn’t catch him with a mop," explained Dave Matern, landlord of the Park View, IA residence and yard "I didn’t try too hard, though, and I was not willing to let things escalate into traps or poison. Or guns." "The sins of the father will not be visited on the son. Stop the violence, and let’s work this out peacefully," pleaded an emotional Matern.

"And as far as dicriminating against animals goes, I don’t how many of the yard residents know this, but I had 4 baby rabbits living in a hole in my front yard. I could easily have run them over with a lawn mower. But did I harm them in any way? No. As far as I know they are still out there thriving on a diet of my basil and flowers, busy digging new holes in my yard every day," an obviously upset Matern asserted.

Matern further defended himself, "No, I haven’t put out bird seed lately, but I have to say it’s disgraceful how the residents of the yard treat those bird feeders. They fight each other over the bird food, and then crap all over the place. How come that story never makes the maternews headlines?"

"Live and let live, I always say. I only ask that we don’t trash the place while we do it."

Yard residents are uneasy despite the calm.

Ralph Rabbit, a longtime resident of the Park View area yard, said, "Look, you’ve got the humans, and you’ve got the animals. The humans are sitting in their house with their air conditioning. I bet they have a refrigerator full of gourmet grass in there, too. Us animals sit out here, day and night, and eat whatever brown grass we can scrounge up. As the gap between the haves and the have-nots grows, this summer heat is creating a powder keg ready to explode out here."

Officials are cautiously optimistic that a Matern promise to buy some gourmet grass for the yard residents will ease tensions somewhat in the coming weeks, but are still keeping a close eye on this developing situation.

Anti-Squirrel Terror Mars Eastern Iowa Neighborhood Calm May 19, 2005

Saddam Squirrel, a Park View, IA resident, has been the victim of what have been described by witnesses as increasingly "wild" and "berserk" attacks by his neighbor, Dave Matern. Since Matern has so far not actually perpetrated any physical violence against Saddam Squirrel, no formal charges have been levied.

However, since Saddam Squirrel is a black squirrel, Matern's threatening behavior may be found to be criminal under Iowa's Hate Crime laws.

Saddam Squirrel lives in a pin oak tree in front of Matern's house in the small community of Park View, in eastern Iowa. "I moved into that tree a couple of years ago, when I first left my parent's nest" said Saddam Squirrel "Dave and I got along great for awhile. Lately, though, every time he sees me, he starts yelling and screaming and chasing me."

"That tree rat has been raiding my bird feeders, and he digs holes in the planters sitting outside the back of my house. I guess I can understand why he goes after the bird food, but why dig in my planters? It's just malicious destruction, and yes, I will go after him if he comes on my property again." responded Matern.

Mr. Matern's family history is colored with anti-squirrel violence. Dave Matern's father, Hugh Matern, has been suspected of rodent rage on more than one occasion. In one celebrated instance, Hugh Matern and his wife Lillian were prime suspects in the shooting death of Sammy Squirrel, in Eagle Grove, Iowa. Charges were eventually dropped, however, when it was determined that search warrants had been illegally obtained.

"Yeah, I heard about how his old man beat the rap in that Sammy Squirrel deal." acknowledged Saddam Squirrel "It just goes to show that a black squirrel can't get a fair shake in the American justice system. I don't know if he [Dave Matern] inherited some predisposition to violence against squirrels. I do know the guy came at me with a broom, and I don't think he was just tidying up. I could see it in his eyes. It was blood-curdling, I tell you."

Ramona Robin, a witness to the attacks, agrees. "Oh, he definitely meant to kill him." Ms. Robin says. "He came running out of his back door with a broom, swinging wildly at Saddam Squirrel. Saddam climbed up the deck, right by my nest, and Matern started jabbing the broom at him. I know I was scared as hell, but I've got kids in the nest that I couldn't leave unprotected."

Ms. Robin did confirm that Saddam Squirrel had been raiding the bird feeder. "Yes, he steals from the bird feeder all the time. And Matern only fills that feeder every other week or so. I don't want to see any harm done to the squirrel, but I hope he stays away. I'm afraid of what Matern might be capable of."

Saddam Squirrel did not deny the accusations, and instead claimed that denying him access to the bird feeder was discrimination. "It's not because I'm a squirrel, but because I'm a black squirrel" exclaimed Squirrel. Though a minority, black squirrels are not uncommon throughout the American Midwest.

"That is ridiculous. I'm not a racist!" Matern defended himself. "I have no problems with any squirrel, black or grey or purple, as long as they stay out of my bird feeders and planters."

The Scott County Sheriff's office did not return phone calls, but neighborhood residents have noticed an increased police presence in the area.

Senescent Suspect Identified in Squirrel Slaying Saga February 9, 2003

Maternews was granted an exclusive look at the email and photograh, and has reprinted them below:

(excerpted from an email discovered on a computer found on the Matern premises...)
------------------------------
Hi again.
I don't know how many of you heard our "Squirrel Saga" from last Friday, so I'll try to give a brief account and send an accompanying picture of "said squirrel". Friday morning I happened to spot a squirrel trying to get a drink from the basement stool, so Dad and I swung into action!! I propped open the back storm door, hung a blanket over the railing, etc. making it a straight shot up the stairs and out the door. However, if you've ever tried to HERD A SQUIRREL, you can imagine what followed! Dad was armed with a broom and I had a mop - and we chased all around the basement, poking and prodding under all the "stuff" lining all the walls - whooping and hollering - to no avail. At one point, the squirrel hopped onto Dad's chest and from there went into the "saw room". We finally decided that we'd never get it herded out the door, so we thought of trying to borrow a "live trap" somewhere. Dad called the police, but the 2 traps they had were loaned out (and they really weren't too concerned that we had a squirrel running amok in our basement.) Finally Rose located one from an Asche family and arranged for us to go pick it up. SOOO - we got it set up in the basement, and I baited it with some walnut shells with peanut butter on them and Dad put a drink of water in the trap - and we set it and left the squirrel to do it's own thing for a couple hours. Then when Dad went back down to see if we had trapped the squirrel, he came back upstairs and said "You won't believe what that son-of-a b---- has done!!" I had put the peanutty shells on a square of paper towel, and the squirrel was smart enough to just pull the towel through the mesh of the trap and eat his fill from OUTSIDE THE TRAP! That was his BIG MISTAKE, though. From then on, Dad declared WAR. He loaded a 22- rifle with bird shot and when the squirrel came out of the saw room (probably to get a drink out of the stool again) Dad nailed him in the head with one shot. Dad said there was no danger of ricochet, as the bird shot was more like powdery shot --- but he also said it was not a sporting event ---- just plain murder!! Anyway, we don't know how it got into the basement, but we do know how it got out. The picture below shows the squirrel enjoying his last meal (thus sealing his own fate.) Enough of this. Talk later.

Gruesome Murder Stuns Small North Central Iowa Town January 30, 2003

The incident recalled a similar crime, also a murder involving a squirrel, that was also committed in the general vicinity of this recent shooting. That death was the result of electrocution, however. Police declined to immediately link the two crimes together, but did say that it was possible the killers were the same. "It could be a coincidence, or it could be a mentally unstable serial-killer type person who has a serious grudge against squirrels, and has just escalated his choice of weaponry" said police spokesman.

Hugh Matern, the owner of the garbage can where the body was found, was briefly considered a suspect in the first electrocution death. The case against him was dropped at that time, however, when several character witnesses came forward to testify that he was an upstanding member of the community, and was not capable of such a gruesome deed. Since then, however, he has been implicated in a jewelry theft, and is also widely known to own various firearms of types similar to the murder weapon. Police are hesitant to file charges at this time, but would like Mr. Matern to come down to the station for "questioning". Hugh Matern was unavailable for comment, but sources close to his immediate family say they are "just sick at heart over the whole thing" and "nobody in our family could be involved in something like that".

The victim was survived by two brothers, also squirrels, who live in trees nearby the site of the slaying. Attempts to get their reaction to the tragedy were unsuccessful, likely due to their inability to speak or communicate with humans in any meaningful way. It was clear they were shook up by the incident, however, as they seemed to quickly scurry away whenever investigating officers tried to tempt them with dry bread crumbs.

The Eagle Grove Police Department is recommending that both wild animals and human beings who live in the west side of town take extra care when going about their daily routine, and report any suspicious activity immediately.

Crime Wave Strikes Small North Central Iowa Town

Investigation has centered around Hugh Matern, one of the hotel proprietors, and a longtime resident of Eagle Grove. Other hotel guests from that weekend recorded their surprise when the theft report surfaced. "You think you know someone, then something like this happens" said Dave Matern, a hotel guest that weekend, and coincidentally a son of Hugh Matern. "I am pretty sure he already has a watch very similar to the one that is missing. Wow." added Dave Matern.

The watch, although of little monetary value, apparently has some sentimental value to the Varley Family. Hugh Matern was unavailable for comment. Visitors to the Matern Hotel are encouraged to keep an eye on their valuables, pending the expected indictment of Hugh Matern.